March 21, 2005

How to slaughter your meal

For those of you who are interested I have a few tips about how to cook people. Both in a way that will keep them alive and in a way that will kill them.
First lets start with the live version, which I refer to as 'partial meals'; Start with a willing meal (as always) and touniquett one or more limbs as tightly as possible. This allows you to remove the limb (or roast it while attached) without your meal dyeing of blood loss or experiencing to much pain. The plus side of this method is that you can not be charged with murder, because the meal didn't die. You could however be charged with wreckless entanglement, performing surgery without a license and possibly torture. Which brings me to the downside of this method, namely that meat that hasn't been aged in a proper environment, will be tough and flavorless.
The second serise of methods witch I will refer to as 'whole meals'; the most well known is spit-roasting. This involves the meal being either tied or impaled on a large post, which is then rotated over pit filled with hot coals. As I've said meat that is cooked to soon after death is unpalletable. Another well known method is boiling-alive this solves the problem of toughness because boiled meat tends to have a nice, fall-off-the-bones quality. Unfortunately whatever flavor that was in the meat will dissipate into the water, this problem can however be solved by adding a quantity of bouillon to the water I've found that a ratio of 1/3 chicken bouillon to 2/3 beef bouillon works well but does tend to mask the flavor of the human meat.
Now on to my ideal method, which is to make sure the meal is as relaxed as possible, then to make a very deep cut in his/her throught, severing the major arteries. This ensures a quick relatively painless death for you meal and therefore more tender and flavorfull meat for you. Immediately after the death of your meal it is advisable to remove all the internal organs. Humans because of their many bad habits including but not limited to, drug use, alcohol abuse and poor diet, have organs that are not in any way suitable for consumption. Also after slaughter it is advisable to cut the corpse into manageable chunks. I have found it easiest to cut before and after the body's joints Eg: just above the ankle, just below and above the knee just below the pelvis etc...
Meat should be stored in these portions in a freezer at around O c for about a week. The meaty bits can then be skinned, deboned, cut into manageable portions and frozen at a lower temperature. The abdominal muscles can be cubed and used in stew or ground and used for hamburgers and meatballs.
In my next few postings I will give some sample recipes, but encourage everyone to feel free to experiment and come up with their own unique dishes.

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